Change and the Path
A lay follower griping into the void
Writing is tough for a lot of reasons. I'm finding my circumstances winning over my drive to do it. There was a time when I was on all the platforms, had a podcast, taught meditation in my free time, designed courses and merchandise, and wrote my heart out.
Now I'm not always sure why I'm here, on Substack that is. I don't feel like I have much to say and even less energy to say it. I have a lot on my plate. 6 dependants, 4 kids, 2 are special needs, I'm a firefighter, I'm on shift work and even in the best of times my spouse and I both regularly get 2-4 hours of sleep.
In 2 decades my practice has taken all sorts of shapes and expressions. At one point I would meditate for 20-30 minutes daily. Once a month, roughly, I would try for an hour plus session. I felt like I was striving towards something. Becoming better, some how, just by sitting.
Now, I sit 10 minutes on the days I have time and the only thing I'm striving toward is keeping my head up. My practice has taken on a new meaning. I'm more pragmatic in how I do things and how I see things. Meditation, reading, writing, are noqw preventative self-care.
“Preventing what?” You ask. Some days it's just about keeping the grumpiness at bay and some days it feels like it’s saving my life. I'm no longer interested in Enlightenment; or my idea of it. I want the freedom of a quiet mind. I want the ability to let that which doesn't matter truly slide.
Until then I'll keep doing the work